Monday, November 22, 2004

Tips For Shoppers

In light of the Thanksgiving holiday, I will share with you some techniques sure to enrage fellow shoppers at the grocery store:

1. Always park your cart at an angle - especially at the end of an aisle.

2. If you have children, teach them to hang on the SIDE of the cart - if they are at the front or rear, they will not impede traffic.

3. Learn the cell phone "twist" - have someone on the phone try to direct you to a certain product; you will soon be twirling around looking for it - most entertaining for others.

4. If you must leave your cart, don't park it next to a pallet - people can still get their product from the other side - leave it in an aisle (better yet next to an aisle display.)

5. If your spouse is along, use this quality time to rehash every single petty argument you have had in the last twenty years.

6. If you have coupons, make sure that none of them match the products you are buying - this takes a little work on your part, but it will be rewarded with long arguments at the check-out!

7. And finally, of course, the old standby, keep your wallet, check book etc., in a safe place, that takes at least three minutes to find - and NEVER, EVER LOOK FOR IT UNTIL THE CLERK GIVES YOU YOUR TOTAL!

Actually, I enjoy grocery shopping. People watching at its finest - the "real you" is revealed, no pretense, no pride. Now were was it that I parked the cart?

By Professor Batty


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget to let your children practice maneuvering carts of their own by slamming them into other patron's carts! Works wonders for hand-eye coordination! :)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget my personal favorite; shopping from other shoppers carts, the shit aint theirs yet!

I watched 'Exotica' tonight, a fine film noir by director Atom Egoyan. It was full of subtle twists and more hidden connections than a Jim Thompson novel.

After our respective busy seasons we should get together for coffee, Aas, or apertif's and talk film, I miss that about not sitting next to you for 6 hours a day.

Hope this little note finds you well.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, and another thing that is fun, seriously fun (developed this on a lost cabin weekend with friends):

As you walk through the store, count the women you see, all the women, from the barely post pubescent to the elderly. Count until you get to 20. Number 20, regardless of who it is, appealing or not, you must now imagine in the finest detail, making love to her. Imagine it carefully, from the scents, to the textures, to the feelings within. As many details as you can muster.

Sometimes this is rewarding, sometimes it is disturbing, but never a waste of time.

Happy counting...


Blogger Comica said...

Okay, I have a couple of my own:
My mother enjoys cleaning her glasses with a $20, $50, or $100 bill in the middle of the cereal aisle. I find it tacky, but whatever floats her boat.

Here's another gem that will get you banned from your local Food Lion store:
Have your child steer the cart, turn a sharp corner, and run the cart right into a display.

...and yes, that child was me. It was an accident!

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