Friday, June 24, 2005

The Batty B&B™

Welcome world travelers! For that "home away from home", the Batty B&B™ is up and running. No matter what your taste in accomodations may be, the Batty B&B™ has it all- and then some! The words "créme de la créme" best describe this French-Italianate-Óskemmtilegur used-to-be white mansion located in the historic Swedetown district of Anoka, Minnesota.

As you approach the front door, surrounded by its deep verandas, you may run into the pet llama, Pierre, and his trusty sidekick- the donkey José. They are almost harmless. (Watch your step! And your fingers!!) Entering the foyer (artfully salvaged from a turn-of-the-century clam boat) you make your way over the shells on the floor to the sign-in desk, a converted vintage Canadian fish-cleaning station. The lobby is charming, with its exposed beams (where an unexpected leak in the roof enabled the plaster to fall), the library- with classic editions of the great masters of literature (Louisa May Alcott, Emily Brontë, Henry David Thoreau and Erica Jong) and a unique fireplace- there is no mantel, it's just a corner of the house where a small conflagration erupted from the antique electrical system. The wolverine that lives there doesn't mind the charred timbers.

Proceeding to the formal dining room, a morning visitor may be treated to the smells of a traditional Batty breakfast, with sausage-spinach frittata, lemon-blueberry bread, assorted toaster-pastries (only slightly burnt- they're good for the voice!), and Cocoa Puffs swimming in Fresca. Yum!

On to the rooms! Each room is named for a previous inhabitant, the Charles Manson is handsomely decorated with artistic designs, rendered in a blood-red hue. "Helter Skelter", indeed! The Donald Rumsfeld, or "Little Guantanamo" as we sometimes call it, has an unusual array of 'exercise' equipment in it. Note the Arabic-motif in the book-shaped toilet paper dispenser. The Madonna is tastefully decorated with previously-worn undergarments. The Charles Bukowski is a stunning re-creation of a San Franciscan "flea-bag" hotel room, replete with flickering neon signs and a period refrigerator, stocked with beer.

For those into recreation, the basement has a full 24 lane bowling alley, Olympic pool, AND polo field. If games of chance are your forte, there is a nightly craps game in the alley behind the garage- I'm certain that "Big Tony" and his companions would be happy to have you join their little "club". Try your luck! A six-person hot tub (clothing optional) will soak your blues away after a night 'on the town'. (Don't be alarmed by Uncle Eddie- his rash isn't very contagious.) After one particularly boisterous splash-session a local quipped: "The Wild Bunch is alive and well."

The Batty B&B is only a few minutes away from the garbage incinerator (just follow your nose!), the feral cat refuge, and other local landmarks. The next time you're in this neck of the woods, stay with us - your room is wilting waiting.

By Professor Batty


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