Sunday, June 19, 2005

Safe Sex Gear

It has come to my attention that many participants in sexual activity are not using the proper equipment. Did you know that most accidents occur in the home, and in the bathroom or bedroom in particular? (And the kitchen, but that kink is for another post.) Let's run through a basic list and see if you have what it takes for Safe Sex:

#1. Helmet - concussions during a particularly rambunctious session?
#2. Knee and/or elbow pads - two words: rug burn
#3. Heart monitor - not those little ones joggers wear, a full EKG rig with attendants.
#4. Goggles - optional if you have a full helmet w/face shield
#5. Ben Gay - let's stop those aches BEFORE they begin!
#6. Surgical gloves - the doctor uses them in exams, shouldn't you?
#7. Betadine - don't forget the rubbing alcohol, too!
#8. Grief Counselors - if you don't quite measure up to expectations.
#9. Catholic priest - they KNOW what's forbidden, and will tell you if you err.

That wasn't so hard, is it? Still in the mood? Good! Now you can surf the net for porn or chat rooms in complete safety. (You didn't actually contemplate doing it with another person, did you? That would be, like, so gross!))

By Professor Batty



2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait... you mean... um...

You don't need another person?

Please explain.

~Conandammit.

(i just caught up from a week away from your blog, some fine musings there! thanks as always!)


Blogger Comica said...

Nothing quite puts me in the mood for a rompety ruckus 'round the house like a helmet on my stallion and the aroma of Ben Gay! MEOWR!

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