Saturday, February 25, 2006

Dreaming Of Smoking

I dreamt that I was smoking a cigarette. That's something I haven't done for nearly 40 years. It felt good, at first, just the way it used to. The itch that loves to be scratched. As a callow youth, the reliable buzz from that first inhale, and then the unconscious sucking for more, filled a void in my unformed personality. And then I woke up. Both back then, and right now. Then I made the leap of understanding that smoking had become a part of me- but it was in the same way a parasite becomes part of a host. Now, after seeing friends and family suffer with this monkey on their backs'- it makes me glad that I had quit then. The smoking buzz is still there, but there are other thrills in life, better ones, ones that expand one's possibilities, not shrink them. Make no mistake- there is something to smoking- and when you quit it, you feel a "nothing"- a hole in yourself, as it were, and nothingness may well be the scariest emotion a human can experience. But that will pass.

I woke up.

By Professor Batty


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess it happens to most smokers. And it is true, when you quit smoking, you lose something. But the good thing is, you win a lot more - when I thing about the time I smoked (mainly when I was alone at home or in hotels) and felt fulfilled, I also think that NOW I feel a lot better, all the time, never lonely, never needy.
You can question then, why do I dream of smoking? The truth is: I do not - it happened twice or thrice, and it felt good for a moment, and then I panicked and felt guilty. When awaken, I understood it was only a nightmare

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