Friday, June 30, 2006

You bitch.

My enemy is predictable. On schedule. It even lets me know when it's approaching. Nevertheless, it is an enemy I'll probably never defeat.

I usually have a good sense of well-being. Rational, understanding, optimistic, lighthearted yet confident and independent.

But there is a time that all of this falls to shambles. And I have little or no control over it. I find myself fighting myself -- and when you fight yourself, regardless of the good or dark side, you always lose. I find myself needy, timid, sleepless, unattractive, petty-minded, lazy, pessimistic, tear-eyed due to commercials, impatient, irritable, and scared of my future. It's as if negative me, Me-not, or my evil twin so to speak dominates me.

How do I control this? I stay quiet. Introspective. I try really, really hard to stay busy so I don't have the chance to show others how weak-minded I am. I need oodles upon oodles of attention, but if I'm rubbed the wrong way, the attention turns poisonous. My sense of humor is the only thing I have to stay sane...and it usually is only funny to me.

Then, as fast as it comes, it leaves. I am back to normal. Usually I feel on top of the world, considering the torture I had to go through and my new-found control over my own mind. I only wish there was something I could do about it. 12 weeks of my year I am this way, and I suppose I can't be happy all the time. But I feel I could go so much further if I didn't have to backtrack. Do any ladies have any ideas? I'm considering going to counseling about it, but I fear (as I am fighting my enemy now) that in a few days it will be one of the last of my worries.

In the meantime, I apologize to everyone that has a negative experience around me in this time.

I really, truly, can't help it.



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