I've got spotted dick, a state of physical matter which defies any medical diagnosis. I got it from my sister, lord knows where she picked it up (that would be too much information!) It's soft and spongy, riddled with brown spots, definitely not what I want in a dick. I suppose that if I put cream on it it might make it bearable. Fortunately, my amount of spotted dick is small. Imagine what it would be like if I had a full-blown case of spotted dick! Some people suggest boiling it, others say to put it in the microwave! OUCH!
As a fair warning to my readers, I've put up a picture of the offending item, the squeamish may click away to something more pleasant while the morbidly curious should scroll down: