Monday, November 07, 2005

Professor Batty's Lecture To Young Men

At a dinner with relatives, a nephew announced that "he'd like to get a wife." I hoped he was actually thinking of finding one, although there are catalogs for those who would rather dispense with courtship. However, if you are the old-fashioned sort who would actually like to have some sort of relationship with someone of the opposite sex, you may have to adjust your outlook to find success in these endeavors.
Easier said than done, you may posit. Never fear, the professor has prepared a list to help you along on your way to matrimonial bliss:
#1. Talk. Unless she really desires a Neandertal, speak up. Find some topic of conversation that is not: A. You. B. Sex. C. Money. You'll find that these subjects will be covered at length later, don't wear them out now.
#2. Listen. To what she says. Think about what she is saying. There is a pretty good chance you might actually learn something you didn't know. If you don't like what you're hearing, you've already learned enough about that person. Try again.
#3. Learn to cook, and feed her. Take a class if you have to. You will never regret it.
#4. Be sociable. Ties in with #1,#2,#3. The idealistic rebel quickly turns into a cranky loner.
#5. Wash your own clothes. You aren't Momma's boy anymore.
#6. Don't wash her clothes. Ever. You will ruin them.
#7. Clean the toilet. It's your turn.
#8. Get to know her Mother (and her Mother's Mother, too, if possible). Mitochondrial Chromosomes are stronger than blood.
#9. Sexual etiquette: Simply stated- Whatever she wants, whenever she wants, only when she wants, only what she wants. Don't ask why, just do it, it works. The "Golden Rule" doesn't apply here. LIFE IS NOT A PORN MOVIE!
#10. Don't fuck other people. Love is tricky enough, without adding needless variables into the equation.

Now, that really wasn't so difficult, was it? Any questions?

By Professor Batty


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brilliant, lovely, wonderful. Especially #3... *cough*

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually I think you forgot the toilet seat. It should under no circumstances whatsoever be left up.

And then there's reading on the bog...well, less said the better...

Blogger lab munkay said...

I just read this to K1 who replied, "No. All points covered."

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A fine post indeed.

A few additions:

My Mother told my to "Never say Never, and Never say Always, especially in an argument.

I have found this to be helpful.

Also, Never go to bed with unresolved issues that are causing tension, in other words, don't stomp off to bed mad.

And my personal favorite:

Always make sure your last communication to each other every day is an affirmation of love. I end every single day with the words "I Love You."

Great post Batty.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very nice! Truth with wit... Now I just need to get my nit-wit hubby to follow along LOL


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I'd read this 18 years ago...

Blogger Annie said...

I wish I'd read this a year ago, when it was posted. Good stuff.

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