I am feeling remarkably unloved.

I think I'm about to use this blog for some good old bitching and moaning. That's what it's for, right? What else could you possibly want to read? Oh well. Hopefully there won't be a stupid whiny teen angsty entry like this again any time in the very near future.

I mean I don't know. Nothing terrible happened. Out of all the charming things I have been through in my life, these few days really don't come anywhere close to meriting whining like this.

I guess I'm living through a kind of torrent. I don't have any time anymore. My to-do list keeps getting longer. There are so many people I want to meet, I feel like I am not meeting enough of them. I feel like I'm not spending enough time with the people that I do know, or being nice enough or intimate enough with the people that I care about. I especially feel like I am ignoring the people who care about me because I'm too busy wishing they were someone else.

I also feel paranoid and insecure and over-analytical. And dishonest. I thought I was over this.

I want to be up front with people. But sometimes I get the feeling that they don't particularly want me to be up front. Do you want me to be up front with you?

I just want people to love me like I love them. That's all I can ever ask for.

I need a hug. Someone give me a hug please? And not just a blow-off polite cursory hug. Give me a real hug.

::big dramatic sigh::

I need more than a hug. I need someone listen to my rambling and understand my thought process and hold me. I miss having someone to exist with. This whole being alone and strong and independent thing is getting old. And exhausting.

I hate that I'm going to post all of this online. I know that doing so makes me desperate and whiny and immature. I'm sorry, and thanks.



~RS
February, 2005
Used With Permission