Batty's Pre-Nuptial Counseling Service

...OK, let's move on to intimacy issues. Remember to mark a number on your sheet from 1 to 5 for each question, 1 being the most disagreeable and 5 being the most agreeable, with 0 reserved for "Impossible." First in the list- locations...

Bedroom... 5, 5
Living Room... 4, 3
Den/Study... 4, 4
Laundry Room... 2, 1
Kitchen... 1, 4
Library... 1, 2
Subway... 2, 1
Tropical island... 4, 5
Desert Island... 4, 3
Traffic Island... 1, 0
Gilligan's Island... 5, 0

...all finished? Good. Now for lighting...

No light... 2, 2
Floodlight... 5, 1
Candles... 4, 5
Daylight... 4, 2
Starlight... 3, 5
Moonlight... 2, 2
Hope to see the ghost tonight... 1, 1

...and what kind of mood music?

The sound of silence... 3, 2
Barry White... 1, 5
Frank Black... 3, 1
New Age... 1, 3
Oldies... 2, 2
Disco... 1, 5
Rap...3, 1
Hip-Hop... 1, 1
Polka... 0, 5
Thrash Metal... 5, 0
Liberace... 1, 5

.. and which positions?

Missionary... 3, 3
Pagan... 4, 2
Horsey... 4, 1
Doggy... 3, 3
Dromedary... 2, 1
Virgin Mary... 0, 5
Wheelbarrow... 5, 0

... just about finished... frequency?

Twice a day... 5, 1
Once a day... 5, 2
Twice a week... 3, 3
Once a week... 2, 4
Once a month... 1, 4
Once a year... 1, 4
Once every leap year... 1, 4
Once... 0, 5
"What is the frequency Kenneth?"... 6, 9

... and the last category, "What is the most important part of intimacy?

A mutual expression of love... 3, 5
A way to create children... 2, 4
A release of pent-up tensions... 4, 2
Avoiding the wet spot.... 1, 5

... After checking your results, I see that you two are well within the normal range. And always remember- if things don't work out, I do divorces as well, 20% discount in the first six months...