At Seventeen

I was in limbo.

I learned the truth at seventeen...

After a series of less than noble sexual encounters I was confused, conflicted and somewhat disgusted with myself.

That love was meant for beauty queens...

When I started to realize that these adventures had a potential for hurt, I stopped them.

In high school girls with clear skinned smiles...

It would be two more years before I would attempt any further intimacies; those also ended poorly.

Who married young and then retired...

I still had my desires, I just felt that I shouldn't act on them.

The valentines I never knew...

I thought that I was undesirable to anyone.

The Friday night charades of youth...

My lack of money and wheels put a crimp in any dating plans.

Were spent on one more beautiful...

Still, near the very end of my Senior year, I managed to arrange a date.

At seventeen I learned the truth...

And not just any date, but a date with the loveliest, smartest, most talented girl in school.

And those of us with ravaged faces...

I talked my childhood buddy into driving us so I had to get him a date too.

Lacking in the social graces...

And it was OK. Live theater- a funny play, and even a bite to eat afterwards.

Desperately remained at home...

I was trying to sort out some major problems I had.

Inventing lovers on the phone...

I later found out that she was bitter about her high school experience.

Who called to say come dance with me...

She had barely dated at all.

And murmured vague obscenities...

I never knew.

It isn't all it seems...

But we had one night where it was OK.

At seventeen.

-"At Seventeen" lyrics by Janis Ian