Oscar Buzz

My mother’s uncle Oscar was a cranky old bachelor Swede.

But that’s not the Oscar I’m concerned with tonight- IT’S THE NIGHT OF THE FREAKIN' ACADEMY AWARDS, dozens of “Oscars” will be presented and I’m all a-twitter! I’ve got my trusty computer warming my lap, a list of nominees, a bottle of red wine (Montepulciano D’Abruzzo, natch) and the remote control at my side (just in case a musical number is too much to bear.) I’ll be writing this in real time, and will post it after the show (I’d blog it in real time, but would anybody read it?) I'll also keep tally of my "Crying Jags"...

On to the Red Carpet- AND IT'S REGIS PHILBIN WHO CAN’T REFRAIN FROM SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS WITH NO PUNCTUATION EXCEPT EXCLAMATION POINTS!

George Clooney appears with his girlfriend (granddaughter?) Next up Marion Cotillard (Edith Piaf portrayer) with an albino mermaid costume! OOH-LA-LA! (pardon my French.) John Revolta appears (alas, not in his “Hairspray” outfit). Laura Linney does basic black. Javier Bardem shows up with a much better haircut and his Mother (really), but he forgot to shave... OMG! MILEY CYRUS! AWESOME! (Whew! How much of this excitement can I take?- and there's only three and a half hours to go!)

Back to the carpet...Mickey Rooney- still alive (I think), Helen Mirren in Red Satin (double whew!)... Jennifer Garner squeeeeezed into a tight black gown... Daniel Day Lewis with his mother?... CAMERON DIAZ pretty in pink (all these women are strapless, BTW) ...Amy Adams- this Red Carpet is a long way from the Chanhassen Dinner Theater... Ellen Page shows up- but only barely- man is she tiny! Hillary Swank, all bone and sinew wrapped in Versace... only 5 minutes remaining... 3... 2... 1...

The show begins with a cheesy CGI sequence, with ads even in the introduction- real classy. Jon Stewart riffs on the writer’s strike and panders to the crowd...and throws in a Jewish joke, lest we forget the burlesque heritage of Hollywood. More pandering... a nod to Diablo Cody, Minnesota’s’ own, she gets my award for best tattoo... Stewart goes off on politics, not a funny subject this year...

FIRST PRESENTER: Jennifer Garner for costume design, then a flashback to what- 30 years ago? It's not a good omen if you can’t refrain from recycling your awards show in the first ten minutes...

SECOND PRESENTER: George Clooney, for the clip show (the same each year-Jack Palance doing push-ups, Björk in swan dress, they're really recycling now), I cry a little...

THIRD PRESENTERS: Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell- Animated Features, she’s more animated than him... first Steve jobs mention...

FOURTH PRESENTER: Kathryn Heigel, Make Up- and she should have won the award for her make-up...

FIRST SONG: Happy Working Song with Amy Adams, who can sing! Perky but dumb song.

More flashbacks...

FIFTH PRESENTER: Dwayne Johnson (“The Rock”) awards special effects- more dumb CGI...

SIXTH PRESENTER: Cate Blanchett, Art Direction, funny she doesn’t look a bit like Dylan now with that bump...

...more clips... I tear up just a little...

SEVENTH PRESENTER: Jennifer Hudson, Supporting Actor (finally an Major Award!), Javier thanks his mom... I’m sobbing like a baby now.. The Weaver says I am “soft-hearted”...
more clips... (Theme: binoculars and periscopes, bad dreams... no, I am not making this up!)

SECOND SONG: Raise It Up Soul Choir, a song with no verses... or is it no choruses? Certainly not a bridge...

EIGHT PRESENTER: Owen Wilson, short film. Owen looks good, he's only a little bit shaky...

NINTH PRESENTER: Jerry Seinfield, (as a bee), animated short film... your movie was not funny Jerry, and this isn’t either... maybe some more wine would help...

SECOND GLASS OF WINE

More clips...

TENTH PRESENTER: Alan Arkin, Supporting Actress- TILDA SWINTON! A SURPRISE! And she doesn’t look anything like Dylan either!

More clips...

ELEVENTH PRESENTER: Jessica Alba, technical awards- goes to the inventor of her gown (burgundy with feathers and a baby bump.)

TWELFTH PRESENTER: Josh Brolin- Adapted Screenplay, YES! The Coen Brothers Rule!

PRESENTER: Sid Vicious(?), explains the Academy selection process- I didn’t really tune in to see Price and Waterhouse cavort... maybe if they were in topless gowns...

THIRD SONG: introduction by Miley Ray Cyrus, AWESOME! That’s How You Know . I do know when a song doesn’t work I hear it... the mute button on the remote works, thank goodness...


THIRTEENTH PRESENTERS: Some Guys in Tuxes, are they comedians?- for sound effects and editing, I mean recordings of car crashes... and explosions...

...more clips, just a little moistening in my eyes...

FOURTEENTH PRESENTER: Forest Whitaker, Best Actress- SURPRISE! MARION COTILLARD! She doesn’t look like Dylan either, much less Edith Piaf... tears, tears and more tears...I AM SUCH A SAP!

FOURTH SONG: Colin Farrell, Falling slowly from Once. Once was enough, I actually paid to sit through this dreck ... the mute is on....

FIFTEENTH PRESENTER: Jack Nicholson, something was funny to him. ...more clips...

SIXTEENTH PRESENTER: Rene Zellwigger- Film Editing... aw, Roderick James didn’t win! I would have loved to see who picked up that Oscar...

SEVENTEENTH PRESENTER: Nicole Kidman, honorary to Robert Boyle, art director still active at 98, barely... but funnier than Stewart. Big tears...

EIGHTEENTH PRESENTER- Penelope Cruz, Foreign Language, ...I miss my film festivals, haven’t heard a peep about any of these...

FIFTH SONG: So Close from Enchanted, sung by a young EMO singer...mute, mute, mute!

NINETEENTH PRESENTER: John Revolta, Best Song, OK, I cried a little when the Once team won, but I still hate the song... the tears dried up when they cut the woman off... at least they had the grace to let her back on...

THIRD GLASS OF WINE

TWENTIETH PRESENTER: Cameron Diaz, Cinematography, PINK! PINK! PINK! ... Oh, there was an award presented?

TWENTY-FIRST PRESENTER: Hillary Swank, Death clips...I cried for Heath Ledger...

TWENTY-SECOND PRESENTER: Amy Adams, isn’t she just as cute as a bug? A june bug?, Original Score, I don’t think I’ll be rushing out to buy any of these...

TWENTY-THIRD PRESENTER: Tom Hanks, U.S. Armed Forces, Short Documentary... real live soldiers from Bagdad, with the winners crying more than me...

TWENTY-FOURTH PRESENTER: Tom Hanks again, Documentary Feature- War, Sickness, Torture.... all we are saying is give war a chance?

TWENTY-SIXTH PRESENTER: Helen Mirren, sixty never looked so good, Best Actor...Daniel Day-Lewis, who’d a thunk it?

more clips...

TWENTY-SEVENTH PRESENTER, Directing, Martin Scorcese, THE COEN BROTHERS! MINNESOTA BORN AND BRED! These guys are so cool...

TWENTY-EIGHTH (and last, thank goodness!) Cuba Gooding Jr. gives the Best Picture Award to... wait for it... THE COEN BROTHERS! THE COEN BROTHERS! THE COEN BROTHERS!

There you have it- my Oscar Buzz, to match my wine buzz...