The iPad™

In an exclusive FITK scoop, Professor Batty's clandestine industrial espionage team has uncovered the complete specifications of the much-rumored Apple™ iPad™ computer tablet. Secret operatives in China, Cupertino and West Saint Paul, Minnesota, have pieced together scraps of evidence into a dossier with all of Apple's secrets.

The list of features is long, but I thought I'd share a few of the more innovative ones with my faithful readers :

iStink™. Micro-ampules of essential oils are transmitted, via a set of inconspicuous nose plugs to enhance movies, videos, ads and more. Imagine clicking on a restaurant's home page and being able to smell the different menu items! This feature will premiere with a screening of John Water's Polyester!

Teeth Whitener™. Just set the screen at 100% brightness and hold it up to your open mouth. A whiter smile in only 10 days.

iGuru™. Ask it a question and the iPad™ will scour a giant philosophical database, giving you answers to any moral dilemma you may encounter.

Comic Strip™. You are inserted into the daily funnies; just watch the hilarity ensue when little Billy from The Family Circus finds out that he has a cyber-stalker- YOU!

Cyber-thighmaster™. Place the iPad™ on the offending flesh and watch as the cellulite melts away.

Friendster with Benefits™. I'm still testing that application.

Muffin Warmer™. Not to be confused with the previous two apps, the pad will run so toasty that you'll be able to have warm buns anytime you'd like.

I think you get the idea. This gadget will change life on earth as we know it.

I'd pick up a few shares of Apple stock if I were you.