Monday, July 23, 2007

Batty's Pre-Nuptial Counseling Service

...OK, let's move on to intimacy issues. Remember to mark a number on your sheet from 1 to 5 for each question, 1 being the most disagreeable and 5 being the most agreeable, with 0 reserved for "Impossible." First in the list- locations...
    Bedroom... 5, 5
    Living Room... 4, 3
    Den/Study... 4, 4
    Laundry Room... 2, 1
    Kitchen... 1, 4
    Library... 1, 2
    Subway... 2, 1
    Tropical island... 4, 5
    Desert Island... 4, 3
    Traffic Island... 1, 0
    Gilligan's Island... 5, 0
...all finished? Good. Now for lighting...
    No light... 2, 2
    Floodlight... 5, 1
    Candles... 4, 5
    Daylight... 4, 2
    Starlight... 3, 5
    Moonlight... 2, 2
    Hope to see the ghost tonight... 1, 1
...and what kind of mood music?
    The sound of silence... 3, 2
    Barry White... 1, 5
    Frank Black... 3, 1
    New Age... 1, 3
    Oldies... 2, 2
    Disco... 1, 5
    Rap...3, 1
    Hip-Hop... 1, 1
    Polka... 0, 5
    Thrash Metal... 5, 0
    Liberace... 1, 5
.. and which positions?
    Missionary... 3, 3
    Pagan... 4, 2
    Horsey... 4, 1
    Doggy... 3, 3
    Dromedary... 2, 1
    Virgin Mary... 0, 5
    Wheelbarrow... 5, 0
... just about finished... frequency?
    Twice a day... 5, 1
    Once a day... 5, 2
    Twice a week... 3, 3
    Once a week... 2, 4
    Once a month... 1, 4
    Once a year... 1, 4
    Once every leap year... 1, 4
    Once... 0, 5
    "What is the frequency Kenneth?"... 6, 9
... and the last category, "What is the most important part of intimacy?
    A mutual expression of love... 3, 5
    A way to create children... 2, 4
    A release of pent-up tensions... 4, 2
    Avoiding the wet spot.... 1, 5
... After checking your results, I see that you two are well within the normal range. And always remember- if things don't work out, I do divorces as well, 20% discount in the first six months...

By Professor Batty



4 Comments:

Blogger Comica said...

So...

What's a Virgin Mary?


Blogger RS said...

I second that. And what's dromedary and a pagan even? I feel uninitiated.


Blogger Professor Batty said...

... the Virgin Mary is being asleep, with God sneaking in in the night. The Dromedary involves a lot of hair, spitting, and a very bumpy ride. it comes with either one hump or two...

... the pagan is guilt-free.


Blogger Comica said...

Amen to the Pagan, then!

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