Father Knows Best?

HOW TO BE A FAMILY
THE YEAR I DRAGGED MY KIDS AROUND THE WORLD TO FIND A NEW WAY TO BE TOGETHER
By Dan Kois
Little, Brown and Company, 2019

Dan Kois is a writer (New York Times Magazine) and editor (Slate) who, with his wife and two preteen daughters, went to live for a year in four disparate locations around the world: New Zealand, The Netherlands, Costa Rica, and Kansas. In 2015 Dan emailed me, asking about “swimming pool culture” in Iceland. He subsequently published an article about it in 2016. While researching that article (in the Vesturbæjarlaug pool—a tough assignment, to be sure), Dan had an epiphany as he observed how an Icelandic family used the pool time to re-connect and decompress. Dan’s own family was living in an “unhappy rut” and, after hearing about the amount of time his Icelandic companions had spent living in other parts of the world with their children, the seed of the year-long experiment in alternate lifestyles was sown.

After much planning (but not nearly enough to avoid some major pitfalls) the Kois rented out their Virginia house and took off to New Zealand for a three month stay. Although the time there was pretty idyllic some family issues, especially between Dan and his older daughter Lyra (who was in the throes of puberty-related rebellion made worse by compulsive internet use) were still there. The younger daughter, Harper, was much more open to the new situations and seemed to thrive.

These problems intensified in Delft, in the Netherlands, particularly in Lyra’s complete rejection of the Dutch approach to education. One positive result of this stay was the gradual dawning on Dan of the awareness of his lack of empathy and his acceptance of the Dutch idea of poldermodel, a system of reaching consensus in a society and, more importantly, within the family. His “dad-ism,”—being the final arbiter—started to develop cracks in its facade.

Their stay in Costa Rica was more in the line of a vacation, much further removed from their life in the U.S.. Lyra seemed to enjoy it more, in that she had fewer responsibilities but, aside from the beauty of the ocean, it was not as stimulating for the family.

The last three months were spent in the small town of Hayes, Kansas, which offered the family its most easy assimilation, but also offered a way of life that was quite different than that which they had experienced in suburban Virginia. As their stay there was nearing its end, Dan considered taking a job in the Bay Area in California. After an interview, Dan realized that although the potential financial rewards were great, it would make the family’s lifestyle even worse than what they had spent a year escaping from.

The sub-themes of the book are about how each society is arranged, with examples in each country of how they are significantly different from the suburban east coast existence they came from: the role of Maori culture in New Zealand, the bicycle culture of Delft, The laissez-faire of Costa Rica’s pura vida and the economic distortions caused by North American retirees, and the preservation of and changes to traditional lifestyles in semi-rural Kansas.

One thing I found particularly noteworthy: Dan, as “the dad” probably underwent the biggest change of all during the trip: from a demanding authority figure to a much more equal partner in the family. And he let Lyra have the last word!

Recommended.