Madame Tara Predicts
Those of you who have been with me from the beginning, or who have braved the early archives, may remember a certain "Madame Tara." You have my condolences.
However, like a bad penny (or presidents from Texas) she just keeps turning up. Invading my fortress of solitude ('fortress of attitude' - quips M. Tara) with a crumbling papyrus clutched in her bony, ring-festooned fingers, she loudly proclaims: “I have seen the future, and it is here!” She thrusts the scroll into my face and hisses: “Print this, Batty!”
I sigh, knowing full well that she has in her possession a set of embarrassing photos of yours truly engaged in a little game of “koochie-koo” with Condi Rice. So, to spare the world the visuals of that tawdry incident, I present, MADAME TARA PREDICTS - 2005:
1. The mysterious “bulge” under George Bush's suit will be revealed to be a radio-controlled ventriloquist's mechanism under the control of Karl Rove.
2. Weblogs, or “Blogs” will become the rage in the pre-school set, with a system of pictograms enabling the tykes to express such wisdom as “Want some candy” and “No nap, mommy!"”
3. A new version of the iPod will be introduced, already filled with Rush Limbaugh radio broadcasts enabling his followers to avoid ANY contrary thought (comes with a physician’s sample of Oxycontin)
4. Pro Baseball players will start exploding from the over-use of steroid drugs, the Players Union says “there is no need at the present time to reopen the players agreement.” George Steinbrenner signs the remains of Barry Bonds to a $100 million dollar contract.
5. Superbowl half-time acts will be forced to wear burkas.
6. Lesbianism will take over the world, resulting in an end to war and the increased use of more sensible shoes.
7. Flippism will hold its first international “convergence,” the turnout will be so great that Professor Batty will have to put in BOTH leaves of his kitchen table to be able to seat everyone.
8. The Feral Cats of Anoka® will get an agent, and challenge “Hello Kitty” as the top feline merchandising brand.
9. Professor Batty will use turpentine in a futile effort to remove the sap from his posts.
10. Due to a series of lucky events, Professor Batty will temporarily be unable to stop smiling.
There you have it, gentle readers, Madame T has spoken!
Thanks for all your support in 2004 and I hope that YOUR future is bright in 2005! ~ Batty