Nightfall came, and one was already down for the count. He played guitar, not having a clue what notes he was plucking or what song he might have been singing. We laughed at him for getting his evening started before everyone else. It was my first time. Sydney made me wait for Dave and Cole. We walked together innocently enough, looking for the Rugby players' shindig. Just when we were about to give up looking for it, and forfeit, drunken, frustrated voices were heard at the corner. I detested the hootenanny within five seconds. It was pitch black, save for two streetlights, and one laser pointer that displayed a blinding light into the eyes of dozens of annoyed students. Impatience arose because everyone craved the drink and it wasn't being distributed fast enough, and I left quickly.
I walked with Sydney's friend, Josiah, who was already gone by the time we departed from the partay, but he still escorted me like a gentleman, claiming he was watching out for me. Sydney scolded him constantly throughout the night, making sure he wouldn't sleep with me. It wouldn't have happened anyways. Everyone was playful and giddy. The boys were skipping, the girls were nonchalant, but then again, they were fairly sober. I was slapped numerous times on my tuckus, thanks to Mike and Josiah, and that wasn't pleasant, but rather painful. I ignored their antics because they became what the drink told them to be, and it's highly influential. I'm fine.
Cole whispered in my ear that we (Sydney, myself, Dave, and Cole) could head back to Dave's apt. to hang out, and I quickly agreed not only because I was desperate to get away from the drunken desperadoes, but I had a bit of a physical attraction towards Cole that I hoped he wouldn't recognize. I like his smile because it's genuine. I'm relieved to be in a safe haven. I sipped more than everyone. Dave and Cole are used to the drink so they're perfectly fine. It was as though they had had V8 or my favorite, a berry/orange smoothie instead of that vile liquid we drank. It burned and smelled horrid. I was hungry, so I was quickly affected. Sydney was going through an overdose of silliness like I had never seen before. Her behavior made me shake my head, but while we were walking back to Rhoads, I embraced her personality and it became my own. Cole and I were still laughing at Sydney, but once we were standing at the wall, a light feeling overcame me. Double vision? Uh-oh. I looked Cole in the eyes and said, "Oh no! I think it's happening to me too!" Boldly, I leaned on him and shut my eyes, hoping my vision would return to normal. Sydney likes this attitude I've taken and commands Cole to start kissing my earlobe and neck. Cole complies. I suddenly forget the double vision and focus on the tingly feelings I'm having all over. Urges I haven't felt in the longest time.
Everything happened so quickly. Cole began walking into Rhoads, and I followed him like an eager kitten. There's catnip to be had. He takes my hand and leads me to the fifth floor, into his room. His roomie, Hank, is gone for the weekend. Without missing a beat, Cole hops onto his bed, the top bunk, and beckons me. Oh sure, it sounded like a good idea, but it took me several tries before I could climb up there. The alcohol hadn't overtaken me, but my primal urges had. I was no longer shy or self-conscious.
Let me be clear when I say I'm still a virgin. Cole insisted on taking care of me, and made sure he didn't take away my last precious gift. He said he didn't want to hurt me or take advantage of me. But, I remember the undressing, the kissing, the intertwined nude bodies. It was fantastic, even in my dazed state...even though my performance must have been lacking.
There's something so miraculously beautiful about the male form. Especially in the middle of the night when it's lain before me. I could've easily not laid a hand on Cole at all. I would've been content to look in amazement at his handsome physique. I thank every god imaginable for being able to receive such delightful affection again. Nude male statues shown on display in chilly museums do not give mens' bodies the true attention they deserve. I almost didn't touch him at all because he was the forbidden fruit. Yet, when my fingertips grazed his neck, ran down to his chest...I was in stupefied awe. He showed me intimacy that nobody has shown before. I only wish I had been levelheaded enough to truly enjoy the splendor, and maybe...thrown caution to the wind and given him the first hurrah. A nude male...such nirvana!
Yes, the next day I panicked throughout the daylight hours. All these thoughts of "Was I terrible?" "Does he like me in any way?" "He must have been disgusted with my body" came into play. Yet, by nightfall I looked back on the experience and was grateful for it. In a way, it was an extreme stress reliever that I sorely needed. Affection can be the best therapy, along with nature. Affection in the midst of nature...Wow, I could only wish. Cole probably doesn't realize this, but he's reawakened passion in me that I thought I had lost forever. I want to bestow kisses again, I want to hold hands, to love passionately as no one else ever has. That silly boy, now I suddenly want to have a relationship again...Haha...Noooooo! I made a pact with myself to be celibate, wither and die unloved, what's the matter with me?
Ah...to love would be a great adventure.
First posted September 20th, 2004