Monday, December 23, 2024

Apple Loves Me

Last fall the sitemeter for Flippism is the Key started recording visits from Apple, Inc. every day.

And not just once a day, but multiple times, each from a different Url.

I have written about Apple in the past but I am hardly a techie. I’d like to think that Tim Cook is staying up late and reading my deathless prose, or enjoying the fine photography or grooving out to my music videos. Or perhaps there is an internal Apple usenet that swaps links to interesting sites (in the middle of the night?) and has found FITK.

My fear is that Apple is systematically scraping my entire site for its own nefarious AI purposes.

But I really don’t know.

By Professor Batty


Comments: 0 


Wednesday, July 24, 2019

The iPad™ Redux

Note: first posted here July 29, 2009, six months BEFORE the Apple iPad™ was officially released…


In an exclusive FITK scoop, Professor Batty’s clandestine industrial espionage team has uncovered the complete specifications of the much-rumored Apple™ iPad™ computer tablet. Secret operatives in China, Cupertino and West Saint Paul, Minnesota, have pieced together scraps of evidence into a dossier with all of Apple's secrets. The list of features is long, but I thought I'd share a few of the more innovative ones with my faithful readers:


iStink™. Micro-ampules of essential oils are transmitted, via a set of inconspicuous nose plugs to enhance movies, videos, ads and more. Imagine clicking on a restaurant's home page and being able to smell the different menu items! This feature will premiere with a screening of John Water's Polyester!

Teeth Whitener™. Just set the screen at 100% brightness and hold it up to your open mouth. A whiter smile in only 10 days.

iGuru™. Ask it a question and the iPad™ will scour a giant philosophical database, giving you answers to any moral dilemma you may encounter.

Comic Strip™. You are inserted into the daily funnies; just watch the hilarity ensue when little Billy from The Family Circus finds out that he has a cyber-stalker- YOU!

Cyber-thighmaster™. Place the iPad™ on the offending flesh and watch as the cellulite melts away.

Friendster with Benefits™. I'm still testing that application.

Muffin Warmer™. Not to be confused with the previous two apps, the pad will run so toasty that you'll be able to have warm buns anytime you'd like.


I think you get the idea.

This gadget will change life on earth as we know it.

I'd pick up a few shares of Apple stock if I were you.

UPDATE:

It is now ten years later and yes, I do have an iPad™.

Apple stock was $23 then.

It is $208 now.

By Professor Batty


Comments: 0 


Friday, June 25, 2021

Planned Unobsolescence

This Blogger has finally upgraded his equipment.

I have been using a MacBook Pro, the de facto standard for non-techie creatives, since 2013. It has served me well, but is starting to show its age: the keyboard is wearing out, all of the ports are getting loose, and it is near the end of its upgradability with newer operating systems. Its convenience and versatility was commendable, but when I heard of the new Apple M1 silicon chip processor and its performance gains, and that it would be compatible with MacOS for the foreseeable future, and it was in a sleek iMac form, I had to spring for one. It lives up to the hype. With the addition of a hub and a SSD I won’t have to keep plugging and unplugging my peripheral devices, and my photo editing is a breeze.

At the risk of coming across as an Apple fan-boy, and I’m not enamored of every Apple device (anyone want to buy an iPad mini?), but I will state that Apple has come a long way since the 10" Macbook laptop (with a dial-up modem!) I was using when I started this Flippist Nonsense scholarly endeavor.

By Professor Batty


Comments: 2 


Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Real Steve Jobs and the Future of Everything

If you haven't already done so, check out these ads for the soon to be released Apple iPhone. It may or may not become a commercial success, but it is already a big, long overdue step in user interface design. Note: I didn't mention computer interface. Certainly the device is based on a digital computer, synchronized with the internet (more computers) and handles digital information. But what this thing does (if it works as well as it looks) is finally liberate the input device from a keyboard or buttons. The interface mimics buttons, but because it is just a screen, it can be reconfigured to do anything (it's what the Apple Newton wanted to be)

It is no coincidence that Apple came out with the Apple TV earlier this year. That product is not yet fully realized, but will be soon. In two years the US will change its method of broadcast television, effectively destroying the old system. What Steve Jobs is aware of, and not talking about yet, is that this is a opportunity to put together a bunch of existing technologies into a system which will be greater than the sum of its parts. (He did that once already, with the iPod, which is really just one part of a system- iTunes.)

Imagine this: It is the not too distant future. You are sitting at home, in your media center with your display/monitor. It is connected with satellite or cable, the internet (including movies on demand), a hard drive or some other way to store media of all sorts, even your home utilities/security/appliances. All of these things (with the exception of movies on demand) are possible now. You could, with great effort, assemble this system, have about a dozen boxes, scores of cables, and a coffee-table full of remotes.

Or you could have two things, a Mac TV (with monitor) and the iPhone. You wouldn't even need a personal computer! An elegant small device you could take with you, helping you throughout the day, and at home it would also integrate a suite of "intelligent appliances."

Stunning.

For a more technical treatment check this out.

And for a different perspective, you should read this.

By Professor Batty


Comments: 0 


Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Apple Store



The Apple Store on Post Street (across from Union Square) is a Mecca for moderns. It is full of true believers shoppers (as well as armed guards) who seek fulfillment from their digital devices. I’m not knocking Apple (I’m a user of their products as well) but the store’s location, as well as its window wall (with 45 foot high doors!), on the most high-rent district of San Francisco is a statement in its own right.

See and be seen, let hubris apply to somebody else.


Google Street View

See all the FITK San Francisco posts here.

By Professor Batty


Comments: 0 


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

The iPad™

In an exclusive FITK scoop, Professor Batty's clandestine industrial espionage team has uncovered the complete specifications of the much-rumored Apple™ iPad™ computer tablet. Secret operatives in China, Cupertino and West Saint Paul, Minnesota, have pieced together scraps of evidence into a dossier with all of Apple's secrets.

The list of features is long, but I thought I'd share a few of the more innovative ones with my faithful readers :


  • iStink™. Micro-ampules of essential oils are transmitted, via a set of inconspicuous nose plugs to enhance movies, videos, ads and more. Imagine clicking on a restaurant's home page and being able to smell the different menu items! This feature will premiere with a screening of John Water's Polyester!

  • Teeth Whitener™. Just set the screen at 100% brightness and hold it up to your open mouth. A whiter smile in only 10 days.

  • iGuru™. Ask it a question and the iPad™ will scour a giant philosophical database, giving you answers to any moral dilemma you may encounter.

  • Comic Strip™. You are inserted into the daily funnies; just watch the hilarity ensue when little Billy from The Family Circus finds out that he has a cyber-stalker- YOU!

  • Cyber-thighmaster™. Place the iPad™ on the offending flesh and watch as the cellulite melts away.

  • Friendster with Benefits™. I'm still testing that application.

  • Muffin Warmer™. Not to be confused with the previous two apps, the pad will run so toasty that you'll be able to have warm buns anytime you'd like.

    I think you get the idea. This gadget will change life on earth as we know it.

    I'd pick up a few shares of Apple stock if I were you.

  • By Professor Batty


    Comments: 0 


    Wednesday, January 27, 2010

    Trade Show

    About ten years ago I went to Las Vegas for a photo industry trade show. There were the usual exhibits, ballyhoo girls, and tons and tons of photo equipment. These Irish dancers were a look back to a past culture, as was most of the equipment then on display:


    Everyone was trying to impress, but very soon nearly all of the equipment shown here would be obsolete. New digital technology was coming in, it was still crude at this show, but would quickly become dominant. The future would bring strange new forms to the photographic industry:


    Tomorrow, if all of the rumors about the new Apple "Tablet" are true (and they are rumors, not hype, for Apple has been silent) we may be on the brink of another technological revolution, this one affecting publishing and media distribution. I can hardly wait.

    But Vegas will always be Vegas. Some things will never change:

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 2 


    Wednesday, October 20, 2021

    Left to My Own Devices

    My love/hate relationship with products from Apple Inc., has entered a new phase with my purchase of an iPhone SE. Here is a summation of my flirtations and consummations with the digital progeny of Jobs, Ivey and Cook (pardon my exclamation points!)

    I’ve had various MacBooks for twenty years, the vast majority of FITK was created on one. I’m in my eighth year on my current one and, apart from replacing a few keys and routine battery changes, it has been a real trouper and still accepts the current MAC OS updates. There aren’t many other gizmos that actually get better with age. The newest MacBooks with the M1 chip are even better, but $$$$. Love.

    About two years ago I thought an iPad mini might be useful for handling my photos and some other tasks. It was not. Outside of a Scrabble-like game app and a couple of nerdy sound apps, it has been a bust. It does do Kindle but I’d really much rather read a real book. Hate.

    Last spring I got a new M1 iMac, with the next generation processor and a super-duper display. It is gradually becoming my go-to machine, a real advance in every way. Of course it isn’t very portable (and certainly not hand-holdable!), but that is the nature of a desktop. With an additional monitor, a Wacom stylus and pad, and a hub to tie all the peripherals together, it is simply dreamy. Love.

    And now-the iPhone.

    I had held off from getting any sort of smartphone until now, they were just too expensive and the mobile plans were no bargain either. Not anymore. I got a refurbished current model iPhone SE and a one-year no-contract mobile service for less than $400! While I probably won’t be burning through a ton of data if I do I can upgrade painlessly. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make on the phone is getting used to the operating system. Everything that is easy on my Macs is awkward on the phone, and not just because of the size. Many of the sites I visit feature a special mobile-view can usually be toggled back to the regular desktop view—which usually works better! Sometimes you have to turn the orientation sideways to get the best look—FITK works great that way—and a little pinch and zoom action tweaks it so it works just fine. Also, I can’t get an ad-block for Firefox that works on the phone and I think Safari is definitely a substandard browser. There is a new MacOS coming next week which might fix it.)  I’ll have to learn how to create my own custom home page icons on my iPhone, in only 19 easy steps! ½ Love, ½ Hate.

    So… unless I get into reading on Kindle (or Libby or some other reading app) it looks as if the device that will be left out of the mix is my iPad Mini; it is already pretty obvious that the iPhone will supplant it. The MacBook Pro will probably be retired in a year or two for a newer model—Apple announced some M1 MacBook Pros Monday. A laptop is still the most versatile device, but my M1 iMac is the most elegant experience I’ve had on a computer.

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 0 


    Monday, March 11, 2013

    Wanda Gág Day!


    Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
    Who's the fairest one of all?"

    "Queen, thou art of beauty rare
    But Snow White with ebon hair
    Is a thousand times more fair."
    Today is the anniversary of the birthday of my favorite Minnesota artist.

    Yesterday I picked up an original edition of her 1938 version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Wanda did the illustrations and the translation. The story is similar to the Disney version, but more nuanced. In it, Snow White is a child of seven, not a grown woman. She is tricked three times by the wicked queen. After she took a bite of the poisoned apple she slept for many years until a handsome prince is entranced by the princess in the crystal casket the Dwarfs have made for her. He persuades the Dwarfs to let him safeguard the princess, but when the casket is dropped the bite of apple falls from her throat and Snow White is restored to life, she marries the prince and, at the wedding dance, the evil queen is made to wear red hot shoes which make her dance until she perishes. All’s well that ends well.

    More on Wanda…

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 0 


    Friday, November 30, 2007

    Vista-Vision

    Worked with the Weaver's new laptop tonight- I had installed some extra memory in it so I thought I might as well take it for a little spin on the 'net. It was my first real experience on a PC running Vista; the dinosaurs I use at work are all on the XP OS. The computer itself was pretty nifty- a shiny new Toshiba with a nice keyboard and a good screen.

    I don't know what Microsoft is thinking. I did manage to reduce the number of "taskbars"* to two or three- (the top one kept jumping in and out-) it had started up with seven! The Peter Max inspired buttons and graphics didn't help either. It might just be the way IE expresses itself in Vista; I thought about installing Firefox but it wasn't my machine. The text and fonts were all wrong of course; I searched for some better ones in the prefs but had no luck. I had thoughts of writing this post on it but was constantly being interrupted with "Do You Really Want To" messages when I used basic blogger functions. I moved over to my MacBook, a smaller machine (and actually not as small as my older iBook- which I liked better) and shut down the Toshiba. I am not really a Mac Zealot, there's a lot they could do with their OS and hardware which would suit my needs better (and it isn't Leopard), but you must realize that you are dealing with a guy who gave away his iPod... some people are never satisfied!

    *I find it telling that Microsoft has "taskbars" which sounds as if they were some sort of torture apparati, whereas Apple has an "Apple Menu" which suggests a place you might go for a round of fruity drinks served with tasty appetizers...

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 3 


    Monday, June 04, 2018

    Watch This Space


    Ming Thein 17.03 GMT

    The old Timex Forester I had worn for twenty years had given up the ghost. It was a cheap watch to begin with and I never liked it. I should rephrase that. I had the Timex for twenty years, but I seldom wore a timepiece. But I have found a watch to be essential in my world travels—sometimes you just have to be at a certain place at a certain moment. I thought about the Apple Watch, a fabulous thing to be sure, but much too much for me. The Ming Thein watches shown above are considered “affordable” in the classic watch world, but not in mine. I find it interesting that they are priced almost exactly the same as the latest top of the line ceramic Apple Watch: $1300.

    Leaving the world of luxury watches aside, I began to prowl the almost infinite offerings from Amazon and eBay. A much cheaper (and funkier) option was an Indian HMT, a 17 jewel mechanical watch. It was still being made, by hand, up until a few years ago. A mainstay of Indian police, military and railroad workers for half a century, they came in a variety of styles and colors; refurbished models are about $18.



    I eventually got this one:
    I also bought this Tonnier “Naviforce”, a brand-new military style timepiece, for less than $10 new, it came directly from China:



    It was too bulky so I finally sprang for this sleek Danish design ($70):



    Scandinavian enough for my Iceland trip although, if I really wanted to go all out, there is a watch manufacturer in Reykjavík:

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 5 


    Saturday, April 10, 2004

    Dogma

    These are not misprints but beauties of my style hitherto undreamt of.” ~ James Joyce

    A collection of memorable FITK posts, sorted by year:

    2026

    Quiche
    Critique: End of an Era
    Street Vendor Huts
    Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows

    2025

    2025 Year End Wrap-up
    Óx Revisited
    Willey House
    Endless Summer
    Orange Crush
    Sound 80 and Me
    Mosh Pit
    I want to…
    Strange Santa Fe
    Experiments in AI
    Market Day
    The Eternal Dynamic

    2024

    Apple Loves Me
    Love of an Adolescent
    Adventures in Fine Woodworking
    Memories Like Jazz
    The Camden Motel
    Cosmic Apple
    Return to Shepherd’s Harvest
    Kenergy
    Virtual Exercise
    The Best Day
    Happy New Year

    2023

    Puzzling Perspective
    Iceland 2023 Recap
    RLBQ
    Mothers and Daughters
    Food Truck Frenzy
    Clouds Over Grand Marais
    Snookies Malt Shop
    Finely Drawn
    Retro Dance Party!
    Móðir, kona, meyja
    The Beautiful Child
    Soggy Sharon

    2022

    Day One
    Lifting the Shroud
    Flu Shot Saga
    Simple Meals Are Best
    Modern Problem
    Bubble World Revisited
    Job Opportunity
    Suicide Tourist
    Another Invitation
    French Connections
    An Invitation

    2021

    Time Traveling With Bob
    Fun with Dick and Joan and Bob and Mimi
    Sandhill Cranes
    Adventures in Linguistics
    Return to Bubble World
    Peggy and Her Pals
    Matchbook Masterpieces
    Ghost Neighborhood
    Arty Party
    Audio Artifacts…
    Fan Dancer’s Horse
    Puzzled

    2020

    My Last Cigar
    Tony Glover Auction
    Road Trip
    State Fair Memories
    Marlene Mania
    God in the Garden
    Hat Trick
    Viral Sharon
    Jono’s Letter
    The Last Gig
    My First Date Redux
    Honky-Tonk Woman

    2019

    Waiting, Wishing, Hoping
    Weekend in New Ulm
    Dylan Double Down
    Four More From the Fair
    Bubbleworld
    Beat Travel Guide
    Arty Afternoon on Willy Street
    Authority Figure
    Golden Boy Redux
    JC Revisited
    Dreams on a Winter Afternoon
    First Avenue

    2018

    Ceramic Culture
    Airwaves and Gender
    Anorexic
    Light Birds
    Red Sun
    Savoury Summer
    Hot Fun in the Summertime
    Art-A-Whirl
    Fade to Black
    Liar, Liar
    Pulp Flippist

    2017

    Porcelain Queen
    Farmers Market
    Wednesday Night…
    Betra Líf
    Save the Date
    Food Truck Frenzy
    Art vs. Nature
    Pastoral
    Livestock
    East Jesus
    Baffled by Benchley
    Harriet and Desha

    2016

    Walking with Ms. Lee
    Great Minds Think Alike
    How Does it Feel?
    Through a Glass, Darkly
    Missives from the Jazz Age
    Learning to Fly
    Astronauts: A Love Story
    Searching for Shoshanah
    Green Lake
    Depth of Focus
    February Thaw
    All those moments…

    2015

    Proustian Dilemma
    The Situation Girls
    Fimm Konur
    Four From the Fair
    Girls’ Night Out
    Saturday in the Park
    Rivertown Ramble
    Flaming Youth
    Visions of Shoshanah
    Woman Lake - 1980
    It’s All Too Beautiful
    Endless Summer

    2014

    Old Friends
    Wanda in Art School
    The Last Day of Summer
    Bayfield 1984
    Trail Center
    From Paradise to Sunrise
    Origami Litter
    Art in Bloom
    Face at the Window
    Wanda Gág Day
    Creative Writing
    Germanium

    2013

    The Artist and the Collector
    The Divine Mrs. M
    45th Parallel
    Blooms
    I Love the Fair
    The Mansion on the Hill
    Iceland for Night Owls
    Two Tickets to Paradise
    Missed Connections
    Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
    Playing Hooky
    Chanteuse

    2012

    Cindy Sherman
    Sunday Night Shopper
    Silent Movie
    Last Days of Summer
    Alice in Wonderland
    Night at the Improv
    Love Letters Straight from Your Heart
    Howie’s
    The Maestro's Farewell
    Fathers and Daughters
    Oral
    The Wallflower

    2011

    Convergence
    Book Review
    Batty Visits Development Hell
    Bill
    Best Friends Forever
    When Cars Had Tits
    Batty’s World Tour
    Patina
    The Mystery of Ye Old Mill
    Rituals of Courtship
    Joni Mitchell’s Coyote
    Walking on Thin Ice

    2010

    The Music of Failure
    Postcards from Chennai
    Sharon as Salome
    Cosmic Call
    Summer Hiatus
    Camping With Sharon
    Not Jim
    Archie
    Loss of a Pet
    Pascal Pinon
    January Thaw

    2009

    Mál og menning
    Bill Holm's Last Reading
    The Pastels
    L'Opera dei Dannati
    Sod
    The iPad™
    Haunted Castle
    Ensculptic
    Sex Dreams
    Invader
    Black Forest
    Iceland at the Crossroads

    2008

    Saturday Matinee
    Cold Comfort Farm
    Richmond
    Elizabeth the Great
    Oh! Those BC Girls
    Desperately Seeking Sharon
    Milestones in haberdashery
    Summer Love
    Soliloquy
    Door
    The Visitor
    Soft-core

    2007

    Cold Night
    Single Mother
    Amiina Now
    Beautiful Kisses
    Old Man With a Book
    Green Lake
    Pre-nuptial
    Twinned
    Sweet Rolls and Silence
    A Familial Misunderstanding
    Found Object

    2006

    700 Year Old Disclaimer

    The Boat of Longing
    Hippies in the Heartland
    Fine, I won’t walk around at night...
    lines.
    Smoking Lessons - The Pipe
    Family Values
    Hau Tree Lanai
    Seasonal Equipoise
    Water
    Garden Party
    More Postcards From Calcutta

    2005

    The bigger picture
    My Funny Valentine
    A day in my life
    Sex-Ed 101
    The Door
    Button Jar
    Dondi and the Waitress
    Dance Party
    The Accidental Traveling Companion
    Ghost Blog
    River Reverie
    Red Zinger Tea

    2004

    Salome’s Dance
    Mel Jass and Me
    Coconut Oil
    Gym Class
    Flippist Industries, Inc.
    José Loves Betty
    Pink ‘n’ Black
    Lesbians taking over the world?

    By Professor Batty


    Thursday, July 20, 2006

    Choices

    When my laptop died (is five years too soon or not soon enough?) I was forced to make a decision. My options:

    1. Fix the old one- With a major motherboard-CPU repair, that seemed pointless.
    2. Go down to Best Buy and get a cheesy PC- Just like my work environment- (shudder.)
    3. Quit home computers altogether- And give up the daily scintillating insights from my Significant Others? Not bloodly likely. (You know who you are.)
    4. Bite the bullet and get a new Mac. OK, and done. Triple the machine (vís-a-vís my old iBook) thrice the memory, thrice the hard drive, sextuple the speed, uses the OS that I like, and no mouse. Track pads aren't for everybody, and I do have have a mouse if I really need it, I just find that a small notebook computer is so cozy and the pad (now with EXCITING TWO FINGER ACTION) completes the picture. It does have a built-in camera, however, which I promise to use sparingly.

    Which leaves me waiting a week or two, sneaking in on my son's computer ("Don't change anything!") and $1600 poorer. I would have one by now, but the local Apple stores didn't have the configuration I wanted (in fact, they were out of a lot of items- it was pandemonium in there, did I hear someone say that Apple is dead?), I'd rather just get it directly.

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 2 


    Wednesday, November 21, 2012

    Terminal

    This is chapter 24 of Window Weather, a serial fiction novel on FITK



    Sean was greeted at the airport by Sally and a man who appeared to be a customs official. Sally gave Sean his ticket, passport and boarding pass, and took Sean’s cell phones—the one from the embassy—as well as Billy’s possessions: the duffle bag, the iPhone and the MacBook.  Sally and Sean went to the check-in.

    “We’ll be flying together again,” said Sally,  “First class this time. I took the liberty of giving you the window seat, I hope you don’t mind,” She spoke pleasantly, but her face lacked emotion. “We’ve got some time before boarding, did you eat?”

    “No, I might be able to eat a little.” Sean’s guts still felt as if they were tied into knots.

    “There’s plenty of food to choose from in the terminal, do you have any Kronur left? Might as well spend it now, you won’t get much back from the exchange.”

    Sean and Sally went up to the main terminal where there was a deli-style restaurant. Sean got a sandwich and a Coke. Sally didn’t eat but did get a glass of wine. They sat down and Sally looked at Sean carefully.

    “Not exactly a fancy dinner date, is it, Billy? Are you doing alright? I appreciate what a  remarkable thing it is that you’re doing. I’m not at all surprised that you are on edge.”

    “I’m OK, I guess. I knew going into it that this would be a strange gig, but I never imagined it how it could turn so bad. The realization that I don’t have any say in what’s going on—that’s the thing which bothers me the most.”

    “How much control do any of us have over our lives?” said Sally,  “You’re already past the hard part. The Senator’s people have seen to it that everything will be considerably easier from now on. We’ll see to it that you are kept comfortable—if you continue to play by our rules.”

    “I understand,” said Sean, “Although I would be a lot more comfortable if I had a proper pair of shoes.” Picking at his sandwich, Sean’s brain was telling him that he should be hungry, but his stomach wasn’t ready for a full meal yet. “I will play the role of the dutiful son." he said. He wondered how Molly was taking the news of ‘his’ death. She must have been notified by now. “Tell me, if you can, where it is that we’re going?"

    “We’ll land in Washington and then go to the Senator’s compound in Maryland. You’ll be under Secret Service protection.”

    “House arrest?”

    “In a sense. You’ll be taken out for campaign appearances, but your freedom of movement and access to communications will be restricted. It shouldn’t be too onerous. You should be used to it by now—look behind you.”

    Sean turned around and saw that the two goons who he had seen in the nightclub and at the scene of Billy’s accident were sitting a few tables away.

    “They were on your side, then?” Sean asked.

    “They are on our side,” said Sally with a smile.

    Sean put down the sandwich without eating any of it. Sally finished her wine then indicated it was time to go.

    “Passport control is open now. After clearing customs we’ll wait in the departure terminal. Don’t talk to anyone.”

    The passport officer gave a cursory look at Billy’s replacement passport and stamped it without comment. Sean and Sally went to their gate. When Sean glanced at the departure board he saw that the Seattle flight was at the next gate—with its hold open, in the process of being loaded. Amidst the usual mix of luggage and parcels was a large, coffin-sized shipping container.

    The flight left on time. Sally was in the aisle seat. Sean was still queasy, both his mind and body were in turmoil due to the events of the last few days. As he looked out the window, he could see the landscape of Iceland disappearing into the fog. Sally leaned over and began to speak quietly into his ear:

    “You’ll have to grow into your campaign role, Billy. You’ll be spending a lot of time on airplanes, and even more time in hotel rooms. You’ll have to perform as if you were a great actor in a poorly-written play, and remember, no ad-libbing, ever.”

    “How will I be able to I pull this off?” said Sean, “Everyone will see through me. What about Billy’s half-sisters? What about the Senator’s wife?”

    “The twins hardly know Billy—they were infants when he went to college—and, aside from a few drunken appearances at Christmas parties, haven’t seen much of their ‘older brother’ at all. Nora, Billy’s stepmother, already knows what’s going on.”

    “What’s your stake in this, Sally? Or is that privileged information?”

    “Nora and I go way back. She helped me when I needed it most, and I’ll help her, and the Senator, whenever they need it.”

    The attendant brought the beverage cart down the aisle. The thought of alcohol repulsed Sean. He motioned to what looked like a can of orange soda.

    “Appelsín?” said the server.

    “Um, yeah, OK.”

    Sally smiled, “Apple Sin? The cause of Adam’s fall.”
    “But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
    And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
    For God doth know that in the day
    ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened,
    and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.”
    Sally knew her Bible.

    “You’ll be getting to know good and evil real well, Billy. Let your eyes be opened and your mouth be shut and you’ll get along just fine.”

    Sean took a sip of the soda. The can said it was ‘Limonade’ but it tasted like nothing He’d ever had before. Not sweet, not citrus and certainly not apple, but it was a good match for his parched condition. He wondered if he’d ever get back to eating regular food. Leaning back in his seat, he closed his eyes.

    “Before you nod off Billy,” Sally said, “I want you to know this: I’ll be on your side—but only if you’ll let me. Nora is a powerful woman, and she can be blunt with those she thinks aren’t fully supportive of her. You will have to put up with a lot of grief from her, even cruelty, and get no rewards. She can be truly awful at times. You’ll just have to grin and bear it.”

    “I’m beginning to understand why Billy was on the run,” said Sean, “I can’t imagine Billy ever letting a woman like that have the upper hand over him.”

    Sally gripped Sean’s arm and looked him straight in the eyes as she spoke:

    “At the last Christmas party we were at Billy said this to me: ‘The only way I could make Nora Clarkson happy would be if I walked through a mile of her shit just to kiss her ass.’ That’s not far from the truth,” Sally said, lightly touching Sean’s cheek, “Pleasant dreams, Billy.”



    Next Chapter: Tea for Three

    By Professor Batty


    Monday, February 11, 2008

    Cold Comfort Farm

    In the depth of this miserable winter (-40° windchill today) I yearn for a summer's day.

    A day when I was a boy in my grandmother's kitchen, a small 12'x12' room in a country farm house. That kitchen was a room that was bursting with love, even though that word was seldom, if ever, uttered there. There was a round oaken table where many hours were spent playing card games: Five Hundred, Whist or, if old "Poker Charlie" happened to stop by, Smear.

    Next to it stood the cupboard which held the good china, one of the few luxuries that my Grandmother possessed. Beyond that was the doorway which led into the entry. The pans for washing up were kept there, hanging by the screen door. The hand-pump was just outside, bringing up ice-cold well water, seasoned with a strong flavor of iron, and drunk from a copper cup hung on a hook fashioned from an old coat hanger. Spread around the yard were apple trees with apples so sour they couldn't be eaten- except after being baked into a pie. The potato patch was my Grandfather's domain—he grew Kennebecs—enough to last through the next winter. Running up to greet me with a stick in his mouth was Skipper, a dog who never tired of playing fetch. There was a wood pile on the south side of the barn, with a vegetable garden by the driveway on its north side. Down the road a half-mile or so was a creek with a mossy coolness under its bridge, making it a good place to wade.

    Those days seemed to go on forever and then, after supper, so did the good-byes. We would drive home in the sunset, with the barns and road signs along the highway lit up in a ruddy, golden glow. When we finally got home, the stars would be fierce pinpricks of light blazing in the black velvet sky high above us.

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 6 


    Wednesday, June 01, 2016

    The Moon is Made of This?



    Sap Sago. A hard green cheese from Glarus, Switzerland. After several years of searching, I found it in New Glarus, the sister city of the original. A little stinky, it has a mild, herbal flavor. Made with blue fenugreek, similar to clover. Shred it on almost anything. I first became aware of it in the 1961 cookbook Wild in the Kitchen, by Minneapolis Tribune columnist Will Jones. Here's what he had to say about this unlikely garnish:
       In Praise of Green Cheese,Universal Ingredient X

       Let us get a few things straight on the matter of green cheese, a subject in which I fear the average citizen shows too little interest.

       The green cheese of which I speak is not the kind of which the moon is reputedly made, or cheese that is green in the sense that it is not ripe.

       The green cheese I’m concerned with is Swiss green cheese, called Sap Sago. It is green because it has herbs in it, and it is rock-hard, and good only for grating. A small lump of it costs only twenty-five to thirty cents. With that small lump a kitchen drudge can, for months and with very little effort, produce taste sensations that resemble those of a great chef.

       Green cheese is on the smelly side, but not strongly so. The herbs give it a distinct smelliness all its own. It is a smelliness that blends with other foods and them definite, but subtle, zip.

       I was first introduced to green cheese as a child by a neighbor woman who loved it so much she grated it, mixed it with butter, spread it thickly on bread, and ate it that way. Mixed with butter or cream cheese, it’s great for canapés.

       I’ve used it in all the ways other grated cheeses are used—in soup, or on toast in soup, in salads, on casseroles, on spaghetti and pizza, and in other Italian dishes.

       My favorite spaghetti—or macaroni, or noodles, or any of the other dozens of kinds of pasta found in Italian stores—is that served with a sauce made only of butter and green cheese, and a touch of black pepper.

       Maybe I’m a bug on the subject, but I have yet to find anything edible that can’t be improved, or at least given interesting variety, with green cheese.

       It is magnificent on a baked potato, or on any other kind of potato, including raw. I’ve had it on all sorts of vegetables, raw and cooked. It’s great on raw or cooked fruits. I have enjoyed it on meats, on apple pie, even on chocolate cake. I have enjoyed a wee sprinkling of it on top of a dry martini.

       And on eggs!

       Eggs and green cheese were made for each other. The simple way is to sprinkle the cheese on whatever kind of eggs you like best…

       …Somewhere, I know, there are citizens for whom this sermon has been entirely unnecessary. But I haven’t met very many of them. The most common reaction I have had whenever I mention green cheese is, “Huh?” This is too bad. It’s too good a thing not to be more widely used.

       Almost any week you can pick up a beautifully printed magazine of some kind and find a new article that tells you how a little shot of wine in the pot can give new stature to almost any dish. Such statements are about seventy per cent hooey.

       Wine has its uses as a cooking ingredient, but it doesn’t deserve such sweeping endorsement. Green cheese, on the other hand, does, and if the authors would treat it to some of the same kind of prose they’ve been devoting to cooking with wine they could do a great public service.
    So now you know!

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 3 


    Friday, December 11, 2015

    Moving Day

    This is chapter 80 of The Matriarchy, a serial fiction novel on FITK



    Sean was eating breakfast when Mary’s phone chimed. Mary was still asleep. He saw that it was from Jo and he picked up.

    “Hi, Jo,” Sean said.

    “Oh, hi Sean. ” said Jo, “Is Mary there?”

    “She’s sleeping. She had a rough night last night, the baby gets really active around midnight. I can pick you up if you are ready.”

    “Oh, I can get a taxi,” said Jo, “I don’t have a lot of stuff.”

    “It’s not a problem, Mary will probably be out for a couple more hours,” said Sean, “It will be easier to unload via the garage. You’re on Aloha, just off Aurora, right?”

    “1228, that’s right. I’ll be out front.”

    “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”


    The skies were a dull red, with sinister black clouds fringing the horizon. Mary found herself standing on a mountain, looking down on the chaos below her—cities on fire, highways jammed with traffic—and she sensed that there was a wild animal near her. Turning around, she saw a magnificent mountain lion, its eyes lit from within by what seemed to be glowing embers. “Save us,” said the cat, and he bounded away. Mary began drifting away, higher and higher, until she could see the whole world. It was splitting apart, as if it was on the verge of total destruction. “I know what must be done,” she said to herself.
    “I know what must be done,” Mary said as she awoke. Putting on a bathrobe, she got up and went out to the kitchen. There was a note on the counter from Sean, stating that he had gone to help Jo move. Mary went to the bathroom to prepare for the day.



    “That’s it,” said Jo, after she had put her things in Sean’s car, “Two backpacks and a trunk—all my worldly possessions.”

    “Well it certainly makes it easier to move,” said Sean, “I didn’t have much more than that when I first came to Seattle. “Are you going to miss this place?”

    “Transitional housing?” answered Jo, “Not much. That’s why I had to get the trunk, I needed something I could lock. It only takes one bad apple to ruin it for everyone. That place had a bushel of them.”

    “Well, you’ll have a place of your own, for ten months anyway,” said Sean as they pulled into traffic, “We might have to get into the spare room once in a while, but we’ll give you notice when we need to.”

    “Mary mentioned that. There are some of your grandmother’s things in there?”

    “Right,” said Sean, “Some paintings, some of her clothes, papers… ”

    “Are they valuable?” said Jo.

    “That’s a good question,” said Sean, “The art world runs on its own peculiar logic. I’ll be contacting various experts over the next few months—after the baby comes—so I may need to take some of the paintings from time to time. I don’t want to store them where I don’t have control of them—there still might be some remnants of The Brotherhood who might have reasons for seeing them destroyed. I would prefer that no one is aware of their existence until we can release them with maximum impact.”

    “Now that you mentioned The Brotherhood, there was a reporter in the coffeehouse yesterday, a woman named Elly, asking questions about you and Mary,” said Jo, “She was fishing for information—she linked my attack to Sally’s murder. I acted dumb.”

    “I was wondering when the press would bring this up again,” said Sean, as they pulled into the apartment’s parking garage, “You handled that well. Both Mary and I feel somewhat responsible for what you experienced and we want to do everything we can to see that you remain safe.”

    “So, I take it that this apartment has security?” said Jo, as they entered the elevator.

    “A lot.  The building itself has an excellent system, and both our apartment and yours have additional measures. I’ll explain them to you later. Mary might be up by now, I’ll call her, she can join us for breakfast.”

    “Breakfast? I don’t have any food.”

    “Oh yes you do,” said Sean, “Life is going to be a lot easier for you from now on.”



    Dick Merrit and Elly Nelson, reporters for techcreeper.com, had been following Sean and Jo since Sean had picked her up. Dick had taken photos of Jo getting picked up by Sean.

    “You’re sure they didn’t see you?” asked Elly, “You were pretty obvious, standing in the middle of the sidewalk.”

    “I was across the street. Besides, I think our Mr. Carroll is too besotted with ‘la barista bonita’ to notice if it was day or night.”

    “You think they’re lovers?” said Elly, “Where does that leave Mary Robinson?”

    “Where oh where is the mysterious Ms. Mary? Oh, do tell,” answered Dick, “She hasn’t been seen since she came back to Seattle,  barefoot and pregnant. It’s little wonder that Sean has arranged some action on the side.”

    “I think you are quite full of shit,” said Elly.

    “Think of it as manure,” said Dick, “If we want this story to grow it needs some fertilizer. They’re pulling into that parking garage under that apartment building. I’ll find out if Sean has an apartment there.”

    “I already know—Sean Carroll and Mary Robinson live in apartment 1012,” said Elly.

    “A three-way, huh?”

    “You never fail to imagine the most sordid scenarios, do you?” Elly said.

    “She’s not his sister,” replied Dick, “Although that would make it even kinkier. Whatever Sean’s game is, it has the making of a great story.”

    “Pictures or it didn’t happen.”

    “You’ll get your pictures, all right.”





    Fiction

    By Professor Batty


    Wednesday, October 01, 2008

    Will Blog For Food

     

    I thought that I'd inaugurate my new austerity program on my weekly shopping trip. No more frills, only the bare necessities. Those strawberries look nice, but at $3.49 a pound I'll have to look for something more reasonable.

     

    What could be a better value than apple? Minnesota's own Honeycrisp™, yum... $1.50 EACH?... These spuds are more like it, it is said that if you plug your nose you can't tell the difference between the two... I DON'T THINK SO!

     

    Well I certainly could cut back on this junk food... I'll get in touch with my inner Inca with this quinoa- at $6 a box? Ouch!

     

    Yay! something I like to eat and priced at two-for-one. And maybe just one chocolate bar, or two, or...



    I think I just lost my appetite...

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 4 


    Monday, March 04, 2024

    Virtual Exercise



    Since I’ve begun my winter exercise regimen I have found that the innumerable “treadmill videos” on YouTube to be a great aid.

    I have a thirty-five-year-old NordicTrack ski machine that I have dusted off from time to time but always found it difficult to maintain my interest. Fortunately I had the book-reading attachment, which was actually kind of awkward to read a book with (hard to turn pages when you are working the ski pole simulating device) but it is perfect for cradling a laptop computer set to full-screen hiking videos:
    Three of the best series of videos are Simply HikingVirtual Running, and 4K Relaxation channel,  featuring interesting treks through nature areas around the world, with a special emphasis on New Zealand, Tasmania, and the Pacific Coast. I set the YouTube playback speed so as to match the pace of the person recording the video. Unlike VR, which can be disorienting, the physical simulation of treading and poling enhance the experience. For a real thrill try watching these running vids at 2x speed!

    I’ve also done city walks, this one from Reykjavík was especially charming:



    And Helsinki in a snowstorm at night is sublime:



    One caveat: Be wary of videos by “influencers” and other egomaniacs, their constant interruptions and commentary breaks the visual flow and destroys the immersive experience. Also note that some of the city videos are a bit haphazard—lots of parking lots and empty streets—while the best ones are made with a sense of destination; getting directly from point A to point B via lesser-traveled paths is usually better.

    The new Apple Vision Pro headset would seem to be a perfect fit for this application if YouTube could be enabled, and your neck muscles would get a workout as well:

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 0 


    Wednesday, June 08, 2022

    OK, Computer



    Before I accumulated my various Apple devices, I had The Commodore 64.

    64 kilobytes of computer memory. Hard to imagine now that some cameras have a thousand times that in one image!

    It was well-used, with the boys and me using it to play games, write programs, and we even had a dial-up modem for access to local usenets.

    And then one day it was not used.

    It languished in the basement, forgotten for 30 years.

    I dug it out the other day, part of spring house-keeping, and hooked it up to a modern flat-screen TV, and fired it up.

    It worked perfectly. I played some of the old games, they were just as cheesy as I remembered them.

    The neatest part of the games were the soundtracks, evidently there was a special sound chip in these that is highly sought-after.

    I put it on Craigslist and sold it in one day, to a middle-aged enthusiast who actually attends swap meets for these and other vintage computers. I have a feeling that he might part out the various components.

    Looking back, I think that this was one element of my life I could have skipped, although the boys needed it to fit into their changing world.

    I still play one computer game now—on my iPad—a Scrabble-like game called Classic Words. It can be wild; I’ve scored over 500 several times and once even hit 714!

    I rationalize its use by thinking that it keeps my brain nimble.

    By Professor Batty


    Comments: 0 




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